The biggest decision

I was listening to the radio the other day, and the RJ was asking something on the first biggest decision the listener had taken. That made me think - what was my first biggest decision? Hmmm.... it was a long time ago (seems like long long ago – but hey, despite my receding hairline and my bald pate and my ‘curd-rice’ belly, I am not that old). The decision at that time seemed very very tough – I was confronted with two equally good choices.
Now, you see, if there are only two choices, the decision is always tougher. Give 4 choices and still you would find it easier to select one, but give two choices and you always wonder if you selected the right one. No wonder, love triangles in our movies are so complicated! The hero or heroine has to choose one out of two heroines or heroes respectively – in South Indian movies, the hero would smartly marry both heroines (hell, one day we might end up seeing movies where the hero marries two other heroes! That would be a sight to see...Dunno Y).
Coming back to the decision – well yes, two equally good choices. Now, unlike the South Indian star, I couldn't get both (choices I mean, not heroines). So, to take one and leave out the other didn’t seem like a fair deal. The first choice was definitely good, worth fighting for and would have made me happy. The problem was that the second one too had similar features! How do you choose then? I thought of the old coin trick – toss a coin, heads is one choice and tails the other! I couldn’t make up my mind and the coin toss moved from a best of 3, to a best of 5 to a best of 21 when I gave up! I could ofcourse choose the seemingly Gandhian way of not having any ( I guess in today’s age it will be considered Gandhian to grab both choices and thereby save the other person the torment of having to select), but well I didn’t particularly like history. So, I was still making a list of pros-and-cons, when my elder sister shouted ‘Adi, if you don’t decide between the Dairy Milk and the 5 Star quickly, I am gonna eat up both!’ That’s when I did what only a naughty little brother can do and get away with – I quickly gobbled up one chocolate and wailed while my sister was trying to eat the other. She ended up giving me half of hers 
So – that folks, was my first biggest decision some 25 years ago! Remember your first biggest decision anyone?

Close relatives?

“Hi Adi – how are you? Last time I saw you, you used to be running around in nothing else but a T-shirt”. Okay readers – before you think otherwise… the occasion was family wedding, and the person speaking was an aunt I was seeing after close to 25 years! Yeah – the last time she saw me, I was not even 3 I guess.
I am still thinking – how the blazes did I end up getting into this conversation? Well, you see – it was my BILs wedding. As the saying goes “ Saari khudaai ek taraf – joru ka bhai ek taraf”. So – being my saala (sorry sale saahab)’s wedding, I naturally had to play a very important role.
Prior to the wedding, that meant, that when my better half had to shop on his behalf for the whole family, I went around carrying the bags, paying the shopkeepers, standing on one leg, driving the car etc etc. So, I am sure you fairly understand the important role I had to play pre-wedding!
I usually dread family weddings – turns out that other than a few close relatives, I end up recognizing no one. One reason is that I have hardly visited relatives; the second is that I have a phenomenal memory.. I can forget faces and names in less than a minute! So, that always meant that family weddings would involve long intros and ‘Do you remember me?” and other awkward stuff. My brother-in-law’s wedding, I was sure, wouldn’t be like that.
So – the wedding day saw me sitting bored at the hall, pitying my brother-in-law (another bachelor bites the dust) looking so happy – if only he knew of the perils of wedded bliss! I would also occasionally stand next to my wife to meet some relative of hers, who wanted to see her husband (Hell- I thought I had met all her relatives during our wedding, but she always manages to surprise me with an assortment of uncles , aunts and cousins).
As the day progressed and it was time for the muhurtam, I suddenly got a jolt. In the distance, I saw some faces that looked vaguely familiar. I thought – must be more of my wife’s relatives. That’s when one of the old ladies in the group walked up to me and spoke as above! I am sure my face turned pink and crimson and red… but I was still wondering how could one of my relatives some there? That’s when I got the answer – you see, my brother in law’s would be wife (any minute now), had an aunt whose cousin was related to my grandfather’s (dad’s dad) cousin! No wonder – I really have some close relatives J

The ride to work!

I am off to office on my two-wheeler! Traffic is sparse, so it is easy to ride. Suddenly, right in the middle of the road, I find a Men At Work sign. The road’s been freshly dug up! Damn – there was no work happening last night. That’s one good (And bad ) thing about our civic bodies – they take up road digging very seriously. Whether it is road widening, or cable laying, or laying pipelines, or laying out sewage lines. Infact , at one point, 2 departments starting digging from opposite sides – one for a water line, the other for a sewage line! They finally met in the middle, and I wonder which line went through. In Bangalore, it is better that way – we have the same dept. for both water supply and sewage. So, it is the same set of people digging up either.
Anyway, there I was at a newly dug crater and wondering where the blazes it came from. My office was only a km away on the other side, and taking a diversion would have meant 5 extra kilometers. So, I did the best thing possible – got off, lifted my two wheeler and carried it across. Lifted it across you wonder – why yes, looks like I forgot to mention that at the start. I ride a bicycle to office  . No no – I have not suddenly become health conscious, or become a member of the green brigand.. sorry . brigade or anything of that sort. It is just that a combination of factors has contributed to the decision. Firstly, there was this newspaper headline
“Mukesh Ambani: Crude oil price to rise above $100 a barrel”
Well, I am sure the senior Ambani knows a thing or two about price of petrol. Hell, he has the wealth to make petrol prices rise to $100 a barrel I am sure. So, if he says it,I better believe it! Anyway, that headline made me realize that petrol or diesel in any 2,3 or 4 wheeler would be simply unaffordable.
Secondly, there are the (bad) roads! You can lift a cycle across any diversion – try doing that with even a Nano! Thirdly there is the health angle – wait a minute.. what health angle? When I ride this cycle, I am afraid of being run over by bikes (yeah I don’t even think of buses – the damn BIG10 buses in Bangalore are like T. Rex dinosaurs. The drivers will run over a cycle and think they hit a speed bump!). That keeps my nerves on the edge – and is sure to give me hypertension. The smoke is enough to choke anyone – I guess, I get more coal tar than a chain smoker!
But hey – yes, it is damn exciting. So folks, if you want excitement in your lives, cycle away to work. Maybe we will have a Tour de France winner from India soon!

Where's the phone?

I got myself this brand new (old model though) mobile phone a few days back. A Nokia E series phone, this was supposed to be a ‘status symbol’ to kind of let people know that I head the business for a particular geography in my company! My thought on that was simply that if all those people heading the business for any geography of every company were to get phones like that, Nokia wouldn’t have to focus much on marketing! But anyway, I became the sucker too.
Once the phone was bought, the next obvious question was where to keep it! It was meant to be displayed you see – so hiding it in a pocket didn’t make sense. But hey, if I don’t hide it, then what do I do? Hold it? That would mean my right palm (or left) being occupied with a phone all the time. Hands not free – hell, I speak with my hands! Having one hand clutching something all the time will seriously impair my speech, no communication, I mean gesticulations – whatever!
So, a smart idea would be to have a pouch that hangs from the belt and have the phone there. A horizontal pouch? Or a vertical one? Even before I could solve that, someone pointed out where the poch would be hanging from would be perilously close to ‘you-know-what’! I said ‘So what?’ They said “Well, you don’t yet have kids and I am sure you want some. Apparently radiation that close causes impotency!” I wanted to ask him proof for that, wanted to read the report on that finding etc etc, but then dropped the idea. Even if there were a finding that proved the opposite, I would be dead scared! Ok – pouch dropped, what else? Trouser pocket! Again front pockets dropped because of the above mentioned reason. Back pocket? Heheheh – I am sure I will look funny feeling my rearside very frequently. But more importantly, the damn pickpockets will ensure that my phone doesn’t stay there long. Ok – how about shirt pocket. Too close to the heart they say (yeah – the manufacturers always make shirt with left pockets. Don’t ask me ‘Aapka left ya mera left?’).
By now, I am perfectly willing to give up the idea of displaying my phone. I say, fine, I will keep it hidden – maybe in my laptop bag, or in my shoe or someplace like that where the radiation cannot harm anything important. Interesting – but then how should I pick my calls? Hmm… hands free? Ok – I haven’t seen or heard of a hands free that can stretch from the shoe to the ear. Even in case there is one, I will look like a tree carrying a black creeper. Similar problem with laptop bag – I will need a hands-free that is sturdy enough to support the bag. Ok – how about blue tooth! Bingo – the Bluetooth earpiece is the solution to all my problems. Tell you what – they say the radiation is not that bad either and it is all very safe. So, that’s what I did. Phone in bag (and I carry my bag around), bluetooth earpiece on ear (my wife says it looks like a cockroach – but never mind, she’s jealous) and there I am ready to take any call.
Which is when one day I got a call, picked it up and upon being asked “What the hell is happening in Bangalore?”, I retorted “Who the F#$* is this?”. I remember the earful I got, to this day. It was my boss calling and in my eagerness to get a Bluetooth earpiece I had ignored one simple fact – that if a phone is hidden, how the blazes do I find out who’s calling up? No wonder, a small dose of radiation is sometimes safer that staying away from it. Elementary , my dear Watson?

A few states too many

Politician A in his trademark dhoti kurta was shouting at Politician B (who surprisingly always wore safari suits), when suddenly A rushed across the room and tried wringing B’s neck. B quickly shouted – watch out, you are in my state! You don’t have the permit to enter! To which A said ‘But hey, I just crossed this room! How can I be in a different state?’. B was now adjusting the creases on his suit saying ‘ Well – after my state was carved out from yours, this building lies midway between our states of Uttar Paschim Bundelkhand (UPB) and Dakshin Paschim Bundelkhand (DPB). Infact, this side of the table belongs to UPB and that side belongs to DPB!’ Politician A started to say……

Welcome to India in 2147. After 200 years of Independence, we have finally discovered God in small things! In the interests of democracy and people participation, we now have 600 states and 150 union territories. The union territories are necessary because a few capitals are claimed by several states. E.g Hyderabad is claimed by 7 states – North AP, South AP, Telangana, Rayalseema, YSR Nadu, Rosaiah Nadu and Nizamgadh! I am told there was some Sardar Patel who in 1947 actually started combining princely states into larger states. Come on! Anyone can see that smaller states are better. For one, we have more chief ministers, ministers, bureaucrats and office staff! Infact, we hold the world record for more bureaucrats per citizen than any country in the world (our figure per person is 0.1 i.e. 1 bureaucrat per 10 people, whereas even China has only a measly 0.0001). So, we have more files (hardcopies and softcopies) than any single country! Our Govt. needed so many computers (and the AMC was costing us so much), that we simply bought out IBM and HCL – one company to supply computers and another to service them. Now we have IAS officers in the US to run the overseas operations of those companies! Mera Bharat Mahaan.
So many states present a few problems though :
1. The Ranji trophy tournament is now held every 4 years. For the first 3 years we have playoffs between 999 teams (600 states, 150 UTs and the rest are companies like Railways, Services, IBM, HCL etc etc). We have 10 Indian cricket teams (to ensure that most state boards get to send atleast 1 player) – so there is one Indian team in every major cricket tournament in the world (BTW – BCCI now own ICC so no one could protest against this).
2. Another problem is the roads. Highways connecting two states are usually connected to each other by mud roads at the state border! The problem was that each state would appoint a different contractor, who would in turn fix a different end point for his highway. The net result being that highway from Vindhyachal to Purvanchal would end at the Purvanchal –Vananchal border, whereas the highway from Purvanchal to Vindhyachal would terminate at the Vindhyachal-Pahaadanchal border! Both these borders being 50 km from each other, there would be a 50 km inter-state mud road (snakeway) between two highways! We are now constituting AMISS (Authority for Management of Inter State Snakeways) to manage these mud roads better!
3. The 5th standard geography text books are now encyclopaedias (softcopies ofcourse). 600 states, 150 UTs, their capitals, their unique ‘climate conditions’, their ‘indigenous people and customs’ take up pages together. Infact, geography exams are routinely known to have 1 question for 100 marks ‘Name any 100 Indian states and their capitals’

Oh – back to our politicians. Politician A started to say something, when suddenly a certain PCR started a hunger strike outside the window. He wanted to carve a new state out of A’s and B’s states! United we stand… divided into states…

Horn - ok please!

Driving in any Indian city is a nightmare – but as they say ‘All are equal, some are more equal than others’. Some cities are a little more nightmarish than most. Delhi because the folks are ready to pick up an argument at the drop of a hat; in Bangalore because the road are so conjusted that driving without a scrape is impossible (yes – you will miss the cows for sure, but rest assured, you will hit an auto or vice versa). Every city has its share of problems I am sure. No wonder then that driving a car in any Indian city is a challenge.
So – what parts of a car do you need most to ride the Indian city roads? Accelerator? Ha ha ha – if you can drive above 30 km per hr consistently, you will either hit the 1960 Ambassador in front of you, or worse still, enter a pothole that opens up to the center of the earth!). No – we can manage without an accelerator. Headlights? Hmmm – maybe. Mirror – no sir.. who sees the mirror anyway? Must be that aunty driving in front who wants to check if her makeup is still intact. Indicator? Nopes – lets pass… most people don’t even know that their car has a indicator. Horn? Bull’s eye. No wonder even that truck in front of you says ‘Horn Ok please’ (not ‘use indicator’ or ‘keep safe distance’ or ‘don’t overtake’). Rule No.1 (and the only rule) of Indian driving – Honk and drive, otherwise don’t (which makes you realize I am sure, why Indians are unable to participate in F1. The F1 circuits don’t allow honking, and we guys can’t drive without honking. Perhaps, we should ask Bernie Ecclestone to modify rules and permit honking. Narain Karthikeyan will beat all others!).
Talking of cars and roads, the other day, I set out to office driving my Alto early in the morning. The office is a mere 7 km away. But depending on the time of the day, it takes anything from 10 mins to 40 to get there (10 is ofcourse only if I am crazy enough to leave for work at 6:00 am – it is only 40 mins in my case). So, there I was, on my way to office, and as happens only in India, there was an obnoxiously slow moving good lorry on the fast lane! What the #$#*%$! I thought of being pragmatic and decided to switch lanes (honking wouldn’t have helped anyway, coz. the lorries own the Indian roads). I was midway into the lane, when the driver behind me gave me an earful (through his horn obviously). I was wondering why he was mad – I had obviously given the left indicator…or wait, had I? Hmm… the position of the indicator knob was right, but wait – why was there no green light inside? Ok – I tried changing the indicator to right (thinking it better to follow the good lorry now) but yet no light! Then I realized that the damn indicator was not working! Great! So – I thought I would also show my aggression by blasting my horn. But what the blazes – I pressed the horn with enough force to strangle King Kong’s neck – but there was no noise! I told myself ‘This is really neat!’ I downed the window and went back to old fashioned hand signals.
A little ahead, I encountered a moving speed breaker. Yes – what else but a cow to bring some excitement on the road! On normal days, I would have blared my horn like mad hoping that the cow would get the message (not like a cow’s peace is disrupted by merely blasting a horn. A cow does what it has to – treating the road as merely a nuisance in its path of reaching a grazing ground). But today was not that day – no sir. Today, I sat, no stood, no waited like an idiot near the cow, opening the window and saying ‘Shush’ and ‘Hush’ and ‘Go away’ and things like that. If only I had had the privilege of a rural upbringing, I would have known how to chase away cows. Ofcourse, the cow being uneducated didn’t understand words like ‘Go away’ and instead started inspecting my car! The traffic behind me went mad! They all blared horns and convinced the cow to indeed move on (this seems like a good idea for a Fastrack ad – cow on the road, horns blaring, cow leaving the road and the voiceover going ‘moo on’ heheheh).
This little adventure had sufficiently alerted me to the state of my car – I had no choice but to go to a service centre. Now, that was a problem. I had to pass through a narrow lane where people, cycles, rickshaws, scooters AND animals claimed right of passage! I got to the lane without incident, but after that it was almost Mission Impossible. Every few metres, a non vehicle would appear in front of me, and because I could not honk, I almost could not move. Yeah – cyclists were overtaking me. I was afraid that the bullock cart behind me would also beat me to the service centre! For a minute (actually several minutes), I got the feeling that the whole world was watching me and laughing (heck, I am dead sure they were). Finally I got to the service centre. The guy said ‘Not much, rat chewed off the wire.’ Yeah – inflation is really bad. No wonder – rats eat wires, not food ;)